Confessions of a Good Girl

My name is Katelyn and I'm a recovering good girl.

Sound strange?

Let me explain.

My testimony is nothing dramatic. I became a Christian when I was seven. I was raised in the church and never left. We went to church while we were on vacation. I participated in Sunday school, vacation bible school, the youth group and the youth choir.

There was no dramatic Paul-like conversion. God didn't pull me out of a pit of drug or alcohol abuse. I've always been the church girl. I went to school, made good grades and finished college; all without even pulling an all-nighter.

Before you stop reading because you think I'm boasting, let me tell you that, while I have no doubt that God designed my testimony for a purpose, I have had to ask my self an essential question multiple times:

What did God save me from?

Watch this video and see if you relate...




This post is not a book review (although that book really is good). I use that as an illustration. Can you relate to any of that? I sure can.

The struggles in my life have not been physical. Instead, they've come in the form of my own internal mess. I care about your opinion simply because you're there. Rejection is something that cuts deeper than anything else. I have become an expert at hiding behind "fine" and a good smile even when I feel like I'm about to lose it. I find joy in listening to other people as they work out their problems, but feel immensely uncomfortable talking about my own. Performance based affection is something I continually have to give over to God.

I would say that the last ten years of my life have been a journey to identifying this mindset and then working through it with God. I'm not even close to having it together. Just being able to admit that is progress.

Every now and then, I come through seasons where the devil really throws everything at me and I feel tempted to return to my good girl roots. A friendship falls apart, I make a mistake that ends up very public, or someone questions my motives. I want to go back to putting up walls. "I'm fine," I say, "Now tell me what's going on with you..."

When people ask about my testimony, I tell them that God saved me from "try harder." When I finally started listening to God and allowing Him to remind me what grace really was, I realized that my worth, my acceptance, my life is not defined by other people.

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory"

-Colossians 3:2-4

"I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep"

-John 10:9-11

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

-Matthew 11:29-30

These are all scriptures that God has spoken to my heart. I have to remind myself daily that God could not love me any more or any less than He loves me right now! Just like Colossians says, my life is hidden in Christ. When God looks at me, He see's Christ. Therefore, it would be completely ridiculous to think that I could ever "do something" that would match or surpass the sacrifice of Christ. The cross was enough. Instead of spending my life trying harder, I am free to spend it praising God for saving me.

God, thank you for the cross. Thank you for the sacrifice of your son. Thank you for saving me from the bondage of the good girl burden. Continue to remind me of your grace. Teach me what it means to live for you instead of others.

The Sheldon Cooper Friendship Theory

One of my favorite shows is the Big Bang Theory. Maybe it's the nerdy humor or watching the lovable underdogs find all the little quirks of life, but either way it's definitely at the top of my lists.

I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. Last year, God spoke to me a lot about his plan, timing and trusting him in everything. This year, our time together has been dominated by how I interact with other people and what friendship really is.

How does this relate to the Big Bang Theory?

One of my favorite episodes is a Christmas show where we learn Sheldon's view's on gift giving. According to Sheldon, when one person gives a gift to another person, the receiver is expected to give a gift that matches in price value. In other words, if I gave you a book valued at $15, then proper Sheldon etiquette would say that you should also give me a gift that is valued at exactly $15. As you can imagine, this can be quite difficult. In this particular episode, Sheldon's neighbor Penny has told Sheldon that she will be giving him a Christmas gift. In order to be prepared for whatever she gives him, Sheldon buys multiple gift baskets of different values and safely stores them in the bathroom until he finds out what Penny will give him.

Watch what happens.... (dumb youtube requirements say I can't embed the video, so you really will have to go watch it...)

Sheldon was so concerned about matching the value of Penny's gift that he was completely unprepared for a heartfelt gift that had immeasurable value.

Back to friendships. For as long as people have been calling each other "friends," we've told children, "To make friends, you have to be a friend."

What kind of crap is that???

Maybe I'm a little sensitive because I've fallen into that pattern of belief too, but IT'S NOT TRUE!

(First, let me say that I have some of the best friends in the entire world. I have two very close sisters in Christ that I know that I can call at any time and they will love me no matter what.)

Just like Sheldon and his gift giving etiquette, we believe that if we're nice to someone, encourage them and invite them to hang out with us they should return the same level or value of friendship to us........ you see where the myth is starting to come in?

Have you ever been "friends" with someone and no matter how much energy and friend-like activities you expel on them, they couldn't care less? That hurts.

Maybe it hurts because we're thinking about it wrong.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:3-8

For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning,that we should love one another. We should not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother's righteous. Do not be surprised, brothers,that the world hates you. We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death

1 John 3:11-14

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

1 John 3:16

Can you see where this is going? Philippians talks about putting others before ourselves. It talks about a selfless love. This idea is furthered in 1 John when we're reminded to love one another, but also that we shouldn't be surprised if the world hates us. 

Now "hate" is a strong word that I can't bring myself to use very often. I don't think I've ever hated someone that doesn't want to be friends. It's hurt. I've grieved over lost friendships, but the general idea is that not everyone is going to want to be friends with you. Whether you're a Christian or not, we've all experienced that in some way.

I could expound on what I think of friendships and relationships for days. I can rationalize away my behavior or other people's, but the final end-all statement about any kind of relationships is exactly what it says in 1 John 3:16. Christ laid down his life for us, and we should do the same for others. 

That sums it up. We're commanded, no matter how the other person reacts, to lay down our lives for our fellow man. Love sacrificially. 

Something that God's taught me is that sometimes the sacrificial part is any kind of returned friendship. 

God, this entire concept is almost impossible for me to grasp. Show me how to be selfless. Help me give something without any expectation of anything in return. Continue to prompt me to lay down my life for others. Most of all God, remind me that only you can fill that void in my heart that longs for friendship. 

A Missional Calling

I've blogged before about my March trip to Guatemala. I haven't, however, told you much about my best friend who has committed to work there for five years.

Colleen and I met when she returned from her sixth month internship at the New Life Children's Home (NLCH)  in Villa Nueva, Guatemala. Before we met, everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) told me we'd end up being best friends. Honestly, I could never have expected a deep friendship to develop so quickly. From our first lunch together over egg salad sandwiches to seeing her off at the airport for her new journey, we shared so many things together. It's only what I can describe as a sisterhood. She showed me what it looked like to fearlessly follow God to the darkest places in the world.

I feel privileged to know Colleen. I laugh endlessly with her and she helps my type-A personality learn to be more spontaneous. Mostly, I feel privileged to know her because I  know she's about to change the world. That's right, I said the world.
You can read my previous post on Guatemala for full details, but I will simply say that I have never experienced a place where the people were so despaired. I'm not talking about the Guatemala City, a thriving hub of business and progress. I'm talking about the poverty stricken suburbs. Places where murders happen everyday and become just a part of life. A place where people drink to numb their sorrows and seek out drugs to forget the pain. The most heart breaking result of all this? The children.

I've talked to many people about their views of world missions. They say, "Plant churches, go where no one has gone before." Planting churches in unreached areas of the world certainly has it's place, but I never want people to forget the need in places like Guatemala. These children are given a second chance in life. Further, they are the future of Guatemala. THEY ARE THE CHURCH!

Colleen understands that. I've watched her give up everything (again I do mean EVERYTHING) to follow God's calling to Guatemala. The children at NLCH are already

her own. She talks about them conversationally, like everyone around her should know her babies already. She thinks of them constantly and spends the little money she has on small gifts to take them.

It seems like with need like that and Colleen's heart for the people, this should be a simple journey. It would have been if those were the only factors. You see, God's timing is not dependent on anything. God didn't sit down and plan sending Colleen around the economical profitability of the United States. It honestly kind of sucks. The need is NOW. We've had plenty of people sit around and talk about solving world problems (in fact we devote entire organizations to just that). However, we have hardly anybody that's willing to GO DO SOMETHING!! What sucks is that when we have someone ready to go, it's a recession. I don't know anybody who is thriving right now. We know it's tough! (chalk that up to another thing people talk about a lot).

So here we are. We have a need. We have someone willing to go. Now all she needs is support. Colleen is currently in Texas waiting to start training for her new assignment. She may be waiting for awhile if she can't get the support she needs.

I don't believe that God is confined by the economy. I believe that Colleen can be fully funded TODAY! Are you ready? There's talk about investments going up and down all the time. Let's face it, it's not really working out for many people! LET'S CHANGE THAT! Let's invest in something that will actually make a difference in the lives of PEOPLE!!

Check out Colleen's blog for her full story and to follow her journey. Then, please give (Click on Colleen's name to give for her ministry) There is no gift too small. I'm investing in someone who will actually GO OUT AND CHANGE THE WORLD!

A Word to My Small Group

This is something that I wrote to the wonderful ladies in my small group. I hope you find it illuminating as well.

A word to the loveliest Connect Group around:

We shared a lot of different things this semester. I hope some of them were insightful for you. One thing I remember fondly is our discussion of DTRs (define the relationships). We talked a lot about our own relationships with God, but I enjoyed sharing funny stories of our own attempts at DTRs. I know many of you were only here for a semester and many of you will be gone this summer, but I just wanted to share something that’s been on my heart, and that’s love.

As women, I know we are all familiar with multiple types of love. We love our parents, our best friends, our puppies, and that guy that sits across from us in class! Love can cause a massive dose of butterflies or a waterfall of tears. Whatever form it takes, people will spend their whole lives looking for it and trying to define it.

As most of you already know, I have very little experience in the realm of love. The one thing I do know is that love involves risk. When we love there is a chance it will be returned. There is also a chance that we could face rejection, scorn, or belittlement. In the words of Maroon 5, love is not always rainbows and butterflies. Again, this is not just love for “that guy.” This encompasses love for our friends and fellow man.

When our love is not readily accepted, it hurts. It strikes us at a place that seems deeper than anything else. All we want to do is go hide under the covers and never allow ourselves to extend that kind of love ever again. Our first instinct is to go into hyper-protective mode. How do you come back from something like that? How do you pick your heart up again when it’s been crushed and dare to love again? Your friend is mad at you, that guy shot you down, that family member doesn’t want to see you again. It all seems like an overwhelming mess.

Take a look at 1 John 3:11-24. John starts out by reminding us that from the beginning, our command has been to love one another. The initial love is the easy part right? It’s what comes after it’s been rejected that seems to cause the problems. In fact, verse 13 says, “do not be surprised that the world hates you.”

If we keep reading, we see in these verses that love is a response to being born again. In fact, John tells us that we know what love is because Christ laid down his life for us, the ultimate act of love.

Further, verse 23 reminds us again that the command is to love one another and that “whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us.”

It’s not easy to love each other. It’s not easy to love again after your love has not been well received. As Christians, however, loving one another comes from abiding in God. The closer we become to God, the more we can begin to love people the way he loves.

This is my encouragement to you. Go out and love each other. Do not be afraid to love your friends, family, or the people around you. It’s not always easy. Showing love to people involves risk, but always remember that the Spirit of God lives inside of you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about love, it’s that there are times when I can only love someone because it’s the Holy Spirit doing the loving!

You are all beloved daughters of God. This summer, I challenge you to love fiercely. Go out in confidence wherever you are and reflect the love of Christ. There will be times when it’s difficult, but don’t forget that you have the power of the God of the universe in you!

Untitled

I can't come up with a title for this post, because I'm not sure I've ever been here before.

My walk with Christ has taken many turns and has had its ups and downs. I feel like I am coming out of one of the deepest pits I've ever experienced.

This pit is comprised of swirling emotions, insecurities, questions of my calling, tests of friendships, and all together a mix of unpleasantness. I didn't see it coming. It's unbelievable how one day can change everything. I can't understand how people's words can cause me to question the way I speak, look, or even interact with people. This pit seems pretty deep.

Over the past few days, I've known deep down that there would be an ending to this pit, but my prayers consisted of nothing more than pleas to God to take this from me. Not unlike Paul, this thorn in my side was excruciating, but I couldn't seem to shake it. I sought God, pouring myself into the word, running away from "real life" to find solace with him, but still the doubt and insecurity plagued me. Endless tears gave way to a numb emotionless state. My prayers changed from asking God to take this from me to just begging him to not let my heart become hardened.

I just wanted to run. To run away from everything and not stop until I forgot. I need God to remind me of what the truth he'd spoken to me before. I reread some of the same scriptures from when I was in middle school and couldn't figure out how he could possibly want me in full time ministry.

 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

-John 16:33

At first these words had a quiet comfort to them. A small swell of peace. However, as I felt like I was battling harder to get out of this pit, these words took on new meaning when our worship leader belted them out in the middle of one of my favorite songs. No longer was God telling me to take heart, he was saying TAKE HEART! I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD!

These words didn't just have comfort, they had power. While I still feel like I'm just starting to climb out of this pit, whispering these words to myself during the day and thanking God that he sent his son to overcome the world, has been what I've relied on. I want to live from this truth.



Lessons from Guatemala

I've been struggling to describe my trip to Guatemala. It's hard to condense what God showed me over ten days into five minutes. Unfortunately, I've found it overwhelmingly true that five minutes is all most people are willing to give you. This has caused a lot of frustration for me, so I've decided to lay it all out there.

This was my first time in a poverty-stricken country. I had tried to mentally prepare myself for what it would be like, but I don't ever know if you can be prepared for seeing despair.

At first, the place was overwhelming. Everywhere I looked, there was someone struggling. They were in despair with no end in sight.

 My best friend and I were staying and serving at a children's home in Villa Nueva. Each of the children had heart-wrenching stories. My heart broke. You see the faces of these children, watch them play, hear them laugh, and you can't help but wonder what kind of person could beat, abandon, sell, or neglect such precious things! I don't think there was minute when I didn't have some little hands holding mine.

We were driving through Villa Nueva one day and I could do nothing but look out and try to soak in what I saw. What's the answer for these people? I could remember every major history or economics class I'd had. Maybe they needed more industry? Maybe they needed better schools? That's not it.

How could a better job keep a father from beating his daughter? How could a better job stop a drug addicted mother from leaving her toddlers to fend for themselves? How could more programs fix the heart issues of rampant incest and alcoholism?

"Social programs have never changed hearts. God changes hearts."

It's one of the few times where I knew immediately that God had really spoken to me. I knew that was the answer, but there's nothing like seeing the despair and knowing exactly what can bring healing.

That night, I was praying for the people of Guatemala, and I asked God why I was there. Why was I in Guatemala for 10 days. It's not like I can accomplish a lot in 10 days! I prayed that he would show me something.

The next morning, my best friend, who had talked me into all this, woke up so excited. She had been wrestling with where God was calling her to do full time mission work. I had talked with her many times before the trip about several opportunities that were available. One of them was at the children's home in Guatemala. I had never told her, but that was one of the primary reasons I wanted to go with her. I had been praying for her one night before we left, and I really knew that once we got down there, he would give her clarity. Sure enough, he answered in a big way. We spent the morning talking about the peace she had about moving to Guatemala. I have never been so happy to share time with someone. She would deny it, but she inspires me more than anyone else.

Watching God work in her heart and answer prayers that we've been praying for months is indescribable.

After this conversation, I knew I wasn't in Guatemala to fix every problem. I did know that God was going to show me something that would matter.

Over the next few days though, I was still faced with despair. Within 24 hours we got bedbugs, heard two gunfights (one of which resulted in a murder on the next street) and heard multiple stories of the effects of the gangs on the community.

The children's home was like one small block of light in a sea of darkness. If you stayed in the compound, there was joy. As soon as you left the high walls and armed guards, you were just confronted with darkness.

A funny thing was happening while I was there. I slowly forgot about home. I didn't forget about my family or anything like that. The first few days I would relish the corner of the room we could manage a wi-fi signal so I could check on things at home. As the days went on however, I checked less. I thought about the activities of my small hometown less. It was hard at first, being so disconnected. I began to ask God to show me areas where I had replaced him with other people. It became painfully apparent almost immediately. Had I gotten so comfortable at home that when something bothered me or I faced a problem I immediately turned toward my friends instead of God? Oh yes! It's easy to identify these times when none of your friends are around!

So far, God's reminded me of how he still directs people who seek him and brought me back to a place of only relying on him. Honestly, that was probably enough for me to come back with, but he wasn't finished.

Our very last night in Guatemala, was spent saying multiple good-byes to the children and missionaries. Mostly, I observed thanks to my limited Spanish. However, without expecting it, God showed up to show me something.

One of the house dads spoke English. He came out to say good-bye to us. We began talking (in English!) and he began to share his testimony with us. He told us how he had lived in America, learned English, and eventually fell in with a gang. He shared how he hit rock bottom with no hope of ever coming out of despair. His story was typical of so many people in Guatemala. Then he described meeting Jesus. He talked about how his life began to change and he became a better husband and father. He got a decent job in the Guatamalan government. He was happy. God had blessed him. One day, one of the gangs slipped a note under his door threatening to kill him and his family if he did not pay. He said they had no choice. He got his wife, his son, their dog, and anything they could carry on the back of his motorcycle and left. It just so happened that his wife knew one of the women who worked at the home and found out about a position that had opened for a house parent. After one interview, they got the job and were able to live securely at the compound.

I would love to say that a story like that is rare, but most people can tell you about a time when they were extorted by the gangs. This man went on to tell us about the people of Guatemala. He told us about a local pastor who had started a church in one of the nearby slums. It just happens to be the most dangerous place in Central America. He told us about a ministry for alcoholics. The church would go around during the early morning hours, and offer breakfast to the people passed out along the side of the roads. They took this as an opportunity to share the gospel. He said some would go right back out and start drinking again, but others would stay, and several of the men who were a part of the ministry were once alcoholics themselves.

As he was talking, I began to cry. Ten days of praying and I knew this was what God had been waiting to show me. I had plenty of opportunity to see the darkness, THIS was the light for Guatemala! I knew from the beginning that God was the hope and here he is showing me how it's going to happen!

The light for Guatemala emanates from men like this house dad who spend the extra time loving the kids. It comes from the woman who walks the compound at 4 am praying for the children. It comes from the missionaries who selflessly work to spread the gospel to the people of Guatemala.

I knew before I left for this trip that I would come back impacted. I had tried to be expectant for what God was going to show me. I would like to say that I was able to serve and bring a hundred people to Jesus while I was there, but that wasn't the case. Yes, I loved on kids and was able to help make Semana Santa fun for them, but it was really God speaking to me that made this trip life changing.

It's hard adjusting to being back to my everyday life. I told my friend it's like trying to put a new me in the same routine. I can't bring myself to care about the same things that worried me before I left. God just showed me the hope for an entire country!!! I don't care about whether I look good in that dress I'm supposed to wear to a wedding! I don't care whether this friend is annoyed with me or what people will think of my job performance. I grew up in church, but I finally feel like I was able to really experience what it means for God to be the hope for the nations.

I'm so excited that my best friend will be spending five years (probably more) in Guatemala. I can't wait to go back (this time with better Spanish) and see God continue to move among the people.

Oh sing to the Lord a new song;
sing to the Lord, all the earth!

Sing to the Lord, bless his name;
tell of his salvation from day to day.

 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous works among all the peoples!

 For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised;
he is to be feared above all gods.

-Psalm 96:1-4



Relief From "Try Harder"

It's been about a month since I last posted. Honestly, I've really just been struggling with having anything to say.

Today was different. I participated in my favorite Sunday routine: helping with setup for the church, serving as a greeter, and enjoying an awesome service. I'm probably the least helpful person if you ask for a critique. I always leave church thinking, "That was awesome, I don't how next week could get better!" Next week rolls around and I say the same thing.

This afternoon I sat alone in my deserted office struggling to come up with anything to say, yet again. I had about three hours until my small group was supposed to meet and I had nothing. To be completely honest, my Sunday routine has started to include feeling completely inadequate right before I'm supposed to lead a group! If you've had the chance to know me at all or even read half the stuff I put on my blog, you've probably figured out that I don't have it all figured out!

As desperation started to creep in, I started looking for wisdom. One of my friends, who really meant well, simply said, "Pray about it and go with your gut." Oh yeah! Somehow that suggestion always makes me feel really dumb. Aren't I supposed to know that's what I'm supposed to do?

So I started praying and pretty much begging God for some direction. One idea from the day's sermon had really stuck with me: We take our eye's off Jesus when we believe in performance based affection. In other words, we believe that God's love for us is dependent on what we do or how we behave.

I'm guilty of this.

The thing is, I know the church answer. I know that God loved me even while I was still a sinner and that he sees me as a new creation. I know that I could never work my way to heaven! No matter how much I can repeat the church answers, there are still times where the root of my frustration comes from "trying harder."

I'm the girl that gets down on herself when she messes up. I say things like, "I really need to work harder to stop...." Or "If I only spent more time...." All of which center around making sure that I'm doing "my part" in the God relationship or at least fulfilling expectations (usually my own).

That was exactly what I needed to share with my small group. I know I can't possibly be the only one who struggles with that (usually when things are mentioned in a sermon, you can pretty much figure at least one other person does). I could fill up an entire blog with why this is an issue for me. I will spare you from that and instead share some things God spoke to me about through from the book of Philippians.

Check out chapter 2:12-18. My favorite part is how Paul points out that "it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

God changes our actions and our desires through the power of the Holy Spirit to make us more like Christ and reflect his glory.

Now flip over a little and look at chapter 3:7-10. Paul just got finished listing out his religious accomplishments. His resume is quite impressive, but he says he sees everything as rubbish (or poo) "in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith"

Wow....

Paul recognized that his righteousness or the "good stuff" about him had nothing to do with him! In fact everything about him he counted a rubbish in order that he may gain Christ and the righteousness that comes through him! Don't miss that--> in order for us to really experience the righteousness that comes simply from knowing Christ, we have to get to a place where we recognize that everything "good" we've done (i.e, following the law) is completely worthless!

Before you start getting too depressed, just think a minute. In a world where we're constantly told to "try harder," God simply wants us to accept his free gift- an abundant life that is free from guilt of not measuring up and trying to make it on your own.

Last thing, look at chapter 3:12-16. Paul ends this thought so beautifully. Just when you're starting to think, "Gosh, I wish I could be like him and have it all together," He reminds us that he's not perfect either. God really reminded me of something tonight when I read verses 13 and 14:

 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I love this. As someone who can reflect back with the best of them, I need to take these verses to heart. I can forget the mistakes of the past; those little sins that drive me crazy and cause me to give myself a guilt trip! Instead, we press on. We repent, and call on Jesus again. The thing we have to remember is that this is not us working harder the next time. This is us remembering that the Spirit of God lives in us and (back to chapter 2) is working in us to change our desires and our actions.

Are you staying in close contact with God? How does that affect the way you view sin in your life? What does it really mean for your righteousness to come through faith in Jesus? How can you remind yourself of this when you get back to the "try harder mentality?