Single Girl Church Problems

"Hi! Yes, I am single......................no, I don't need you to guard my heart. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that Proverbs 4:23 says, "guard YOUR heart....."

Ladies, have you found yourself having that conversation (even if it's only in your head)? Somewhere along the way, Church people started to pity the single. They are the lonely, sad group that only has one thing on their mind.....relationships!

If  you find yourself looking over your shoulder thinking, "Who's she talking about? I'm good with being single," you are not alone!

Okay, so this post is supposed be sarcastic (don't start the hate mail yet). However, it can honestly be a little frustrating to be a single girl in church. This is primarily directed towards "the next generation of leaders" in the Church (twentysomethings).

So if a bunch of twentysomethings get together for a bible study or some other function, people start making comments to the effect of, "Alright people, this isn't a single's mixer or anything." REALLY? You had to make that clear? Heaven forbid that Christian people actually meet in church. In fact, if you really want to "care for someone like a brother or sister" (more on that line in a minute) shouldn't you hope that they do in fact find a solid guy/girl in church? I mean it's not like we have a 50% divorce rate in this country or anything....

Are we ostracising single people in the Church? As twentysomethings, do we have a tendency to say dumb things without thinking? I know that can't possibly be true....... let's look at some examples:

1. I'm trying to guard your heart........... Again, somewhere along the way we've forgotten that the same Holy Spirit that resides in the speaker also resides in the person it's being spoken too. Do you really want to help your brother/sister in Christ? Respect their convictions and check your own heart.

2. You're my sister/brother in Christ....... One day, some young twentysomething theologian wannabe really took this phrase too far. This phrase is supposed to illicit respect between two people. This is not saying that you have to begin or end a conversation with phrases like "sis" or "bro." Yeah... I'm not a Catholic nun.....It should be noted that this is most often used to "clarify" one's "feelings" towards another....translated, "I know we had this great conversation, but don't get any ideas."

3. I'm not being a good brother/sister in Christ to you...... Well, thank you for informing me of something completely random about yourself. Why is this so frustrating? This phrase is primarily used as an excuse to stop talking to someone. Unfortunately, I have seen this used when a guy and a girl get close and then one of them decides they really weren't serious about the whole thing in the first place, so they bring out the brother/sister line. I know twentysomethings are supposed to be "free-spirits" and all, but let's all try to come up with a different line or something that resembles the truth.

Well we've certainly come up with some really great phrases to make sure all the single Christians know exactly what's what.

I had to stop myself from going into all the physical things we do to try to make sure that Christian singles don't get the wrong idea about anything. This includes personal policies against being alone with people of the opposite sex (even if you were in the middle of downtown New York or standing in the middle of the street).

Okay.... so that was interesting. Too harsh? There's a really cheesy thing I heard once that goes, "I dream of a world where a chicken can cross the road without it's intentions being questioned." Chances are, if you're single in the Church, you just "amened" that.

The truth is, my fear is that by continuing these dumb practices, we are alienating an entire group of the Church.

Let's be clear. Singles are people too. God created them with a purpose too. It's true that 98% of people will be married one day, but a mature Christian will not want to waste their years of singleness (and 2% of people will never be married). As future leaders in the Church, we have to stop treating singles with pity and worse, caution. Singleness is not a disease. It is not contagious. Let's get over our egos and our pride that says that every person we meet is "interested" in being with us.

Yes, I understand that somewhere some guy in the church ran off with his secretary and the church fell to pieces and that's why we all need to be cautious with each other. There's actually a simple solution to that....DON'T BE THAT GUY! (see studies on guarding your own heart, purity, and self-control)

Let's start examining our own lives and start treating men and women in the Church with respect without regards to their desire to wear skirts. There's no need for all the extra fluff, simple respect will do just fine.

The Fear of Ineffectiveness

Being ineffective is probably one of my biggest fears. That's probably why I was drawn to a field of study (accounting) that people told me would always be needed.

I never want to feel like I'm being ineffective with my job, with people, in my relationship with Christ.

As much I as I always try to work hard, feeling ineffective has a way of creeping in every now and then.

When that familiar feeling started to come back again, I tried to really reflect on what made me feel that way. What was I doing or not doing that contributed to that? I asked God for some direction in resolving that feeling.

Bring in 2 Peter 1:5-8:

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Well, hello there God! That's quite the answer!

As I began studying this passage and what each of the characteristics meant, God really convicted me that when I begin to feel ineffective, I need to examine myself. He has already equipped me to do everything he created me to do. What am I neglecting?

The ESV version uses the word virtue in the place of goodness and it simply means the quality of life that makes someone stand out as excellent. Am I living a life of virtue? Is there some sin in my life that is keeping from living a life worthy of being called a follower of Christ?

The word knowledge here means understanding, correct insight, truth properly comprehended and applied. This kind of knowledge comes from a continual study of God's word and pursuit of him. Am I being diligent in spending time with God? Do I have a desire to know him more by spending time with him?

Self-control seems pretty obvious. It literally means "holding oneself in." It relates to control of the flesh, the passions and bodily desires. Am I practicing self-control? Is there an area of my life where self-control is lacking?

Godliness simply means to live reverently, loyally and obediently towards God. Am I putting into practice what I'm studying? Is there a part of my life where I'm being disobedient to God? Am I listening to and responding to his commands?

The ESV uses brotherly affection in the place of mutual affection. Both mean a type of kindness and mutual respect for brothers and sisters in Christ. Am I really loving people? Am I taking time to pour into other people?

Love is always a big one. Mentioned a lot in 1 Corinthians, love here is a self-giving love that is more concerned with giving than receiving. Am I loving people without any expectation of reciprocation or action in return?

I love how Peter sums all of this up by saying, "If you possess these in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

This tells me that I need to be continually reflecting on these things to prevent myself from becoming ineffective and unproductive.

Cultivate Faithfulness

C.S. Lewis once said, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Psalm 37 says:

Fret not yourself because of evildoers 

   be not envious of wrongdoers!

For they will soon fade like the grass 




 and wither like the green herb. 

Trust in the Lord, and do good;    dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,  and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Christine Caine tweeted, "The goal is to run YOUR race and finish YOUR course. Stay in YOUR lane; stop looking over YOUR shoulder. Fix YOUR eyes on Jesus!

I have been reflecting on all three of things for a couple of months.

In my experience, nothing will derail you quicker from the course God has set out for you than looking around at other people and comparing your path to theirs.

We can so easily forget the purpose God set before us when we start looking at someone else and their purpose and thinking, “I wish I could do that.”

C.S. Lewis is definitely high up on my list of wise people and he said it so simply. Comparison is the thief of joy. Whether you admit it or not, I bet you’ve experienced this. You’re excited about the possibilities of a new opportunity or the vision God’s given you UNTIL you look over and see your friend doing something completely different and think, “She’s/He’s so much better at that than me….”

God called you for a specific purpose! A SPECIFIC PURPOSE! By the very nature of that statement you can’t compare it to someone else’s purpose. So why do we?

I have Psalm 37 posted in my office, because I need to read it almost every day. The first two verses speak to comparison, but I continually have to remind myself of verse 3, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness”

The word "befriend" here also means "cultivate." What the Psalmist is telling us is to dwell in the land (wherever you are with God) and cultivate faithfulness in whatever he’s called you to do.

Someone pointed out to me once that as Christians, so many time we want the result without the process. For me, this means that we want to reach the pinnacle without laboring in the climb.

What has called you to do right now? Not what do you want to one day be doing. What do you need to cultivate faithfulness in today?

Christine Caine summed it up best for me with her tweet. When I’m frustrated with something in my life, I can usually trace it back to taking my eyes of MY purpose.

We need to stop looking around comparing our journey with Christ with everyone else’s and get to OUR OWN purpose. God created every part of YOU! Your talents, your knowledge, your personality were all created to fulfill your unique purpose! THAT’S AMAZING!!

How much more effective would we all be at spreading the Gospel if we stopped the comparison and started cultivating faithfulness in what God has called us to do?

Even if He Won't.....

Has there ever been a time when God has clearly spoken to your heart and it kind of caught you off guard?

I've been reflecting on what God said and it's still hard.

There are a few times in life where something pops up completely out of the blue and has the power to change your entire life. One conversation, one phone call can alter you life completely in the blink of an eye.

One night after one of these events, I was praying earnestly to God. I knew exactly how this situation HAD to turn out. There was only one option. God had to make this right. "You have to come through, God" I said over and over. You have to come through.

But even if He won't.......

That was all....... WHAT?! What do you mean "even if He won't"???? WHAT?!

After my initial questioning wore off, the next thing I began thinking of was the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from Daniel 3.

Yep. Heard the story in Sunday school about million times. Shane and Shane made a song out of it...... not sure where you're going with this God.

I actually think I did know where he was going with it, but it took some time for me to really confront it.

So King Nebuchadnezzar has a bit of an ego (understatement). He thinks he's pretty much on the same level as the God of the Jews. So he builds this massive statue of himself (vain much?) When the music begins to play, everyone in Babylon is required to worship the statue. Anyone caught not worshiping will be thrown into the fiery furnace.

Sure enough, the music plays and Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego don't make a move to worship. This kind of makes the king mad. He threatens to throw them into the fire if they don't begin to worship him. Look at their reply:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

-Daniel 3:16-18

Definitely a bold reply. Did you catch that one part? They said God had the ability to save them and he will save them, but even if he did not, they still would not worship King Nebuchadnezzar. 

If you don't know the rest of the story, the three are thrown into the furnace and God does save them. That's pretty much the good Sunday school version. 

Now let's really think about this. It's easy for us to appreciate the boldness of their reply when we know they end up fine! Can you imagine how much faith and trust that really took to say?

These three men are pretty much staring death in the face. The fiery furnace had probably killed many before them. They knew that this could really be the end. Yet, they acknowledged that God had the ability to save them and they really believed he would, but even if He won't, they would still praise only one god. 

I don't know if you've ever experienced one of those life altering moments. I kind of pray you don't. In the middle of one, God chose to remind me of this story. In the middle of the storm, God asked me if I would still praise Him even if He won't.

I wish I could say I answered immediately. I was surprised He would ask me. I sat back not knowing what to say. A few days later, I stood in church. The band played a song about how much God loves us. I knew the words well. It was one of my favorite songs. I grew up in church. I knew God loved me. But in that moment, it took everything in me to sing the words. 

I can start to understand how bold Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego's reply was. I know God can make this situation turn out right. I know He can show up and work a miracle, but I also know that even if He won't, He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still sovereign. I will still praise Him.

I wish it was easier for me to say. I cried all the way through writing this! I really believe there comes a point where all I can do is keep telling God that I love Him and I trust Him. You are still good. You are still faithful. You are still Sovereign. 

Confessions of a Good Girl

My name is Katelyn and I'm a recovering good girl.

Sound strange?

Let me explain.

My testimony is nothing dramatic. I became a Christian when I was seven. I was raised in the church and never left. We went to church while we were on vacation. I participated in Sunday school, vacation bible school, the youth group and the youth choir.

There was no dramatic Paul-like conversion. God didn't pull me out of a pit of drug or alcohol abuse. I've always been the church girl. I went to school, made good grades and finished college; all without even pulling an all-nighter.

Before you stop reading because you think I'm boasting, let me tell you that, while I have no doubt that God designed my testimony for a purpose, I have had to ask my self an essential question multiple times:

What did God save me from?

Watch this video and see if you relate...




This post is not a book review (although that book really is good). I use that as an illustration. Can you relate to any of that? I sure can.

The struggles in my life have not been physical. Instead, they've come in the form of my own internal mess. I care about your opinion simply because you're there. Rejection is something that cuts deeper than anything else. I have become an expert at hiding behind "fine" and a good smile even when I feel like I'm about to lose it. I find joy in listening to other people as they work out their problems, but feel immensely uncomfortable talking about my own. Performance based affection is something I continually have to give over to God.

I would say that the last ten years of my life have been a journey to identifying this mindset and then working through it with God. I'm not even close to having it together. Just being able to admit that is progress.

Every now and then, I come through seasons where the devil really throws everything at me and I feel tempted to return to my good girl roots. A friendship falls apart, I make a mistake that ends up very public, or someone questions my motives. I want to go back to putting up walls. "I'm fine," I say, "Now tell me what's going on with you..."

When people ask about my testimony, I tell them that God saved me from "try harder." When I finally started listening to God and allowing Him to remind me what grace really was, I realized that my worth, my acceptance, my life is not defined by other people.

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory"

-Colossians 3:2-4

"I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep"

-John 10:9-11

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

-Matthew 11:29-30

These are all scriptures that God has spoken to my heart. I have to remind myself daily that God could not love me any more or any less than He loves me right now! Just like Colossians says, my life is hidden in Christ. When God looks at me, He see's Christ. Therefore, it would be completely ridiculous to think that I could ever "do something" that would match or surpass the sacrifice of Christ. The cross was enough. Instead of spending my life trying harder, I am free to spend it praising God for saving me.

God, thank you for the cross. Thank you for the sacrifice of your son. Thank you for saving me from the bondage of the good girl burden. Continue to remind me of your grace. Teach me what it means to live for you instead of others.

The Sheldon Cooper Friendship Theory

One of my favorite shows is the Big Bang Theory. Maybe it's the nerdy humor or watching the lovable underdogs find all the little quirks of life, but either way it's definitely at the top of my lists.

I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. Last year, God spoke to me a lot about his plan, timing and trusting him in everything. This year, our time together has been dominated by how I interact with other people and what friendship really is.

How does this relate to the Big Bang Theory?

One of my favorite episodes is a Christmas show where we learn Sheldon's view's on gift giving. According to Sheldon, when one person gives a gift to another person, the receiver is expected to give a gift that matches in price value. In other words, if I gave you a book valued at $15, then proper Sheldon etiquette would say that you should also give me a gift that is valued at exactly $15. As you can imagine, this can be quite difficult. In this particular episode, Sheldon's neighbor Penny has told Sheldon that she will be giving him a Christmas gift. In order to be prepared for whatever she gives him, Sheldon buys multiple gift baskets of different values and safely stores them in the bathroom until he finds out what Penny will give him.

Watch what happens.... (dumb youtube requirements say I can't embed the video, so you really will have to go watch it...)

Sheldon was so concerned about matching the value of Penny's gift that he was completely unprepared for a heartfelt gift that had immeasurable value.

Back to friendships. For as long as people have been calling each other "friends," we've told children, "To make friends, you have to be a friend."

What kind of crap is that???

Maybe I'm a little sensitive because I've fallen into that pattern of belief too, but IT'S NOT TRUE!

(First, let me say that I have some of the best friends in the entire world. I have two very close sisters in Christ that I know that I can call at any time and they will love me no matter what.)

Just like Sheldon and his gift giving etiquette, we believe that if we're nice to someone, encourage them and invite them to hang out with us they should return the same level or value of friendship to us........ you see where the myth is starting to come in?

Have you ever been "friends" with someone and no matter how much energy and friend-like activities you expel on them, they couldn't care less? That hurts.

Maybe it hurts because we're thinking about it wrong.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:3-8

For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning,that we should love one another. We should not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother's righteous. Do not be surprised, brothers,that the world hates you. We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death

1 John 3:11-14

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

1 John 3:16

Can you see where this is going? Philippians talks about putting others before ourselves. It talks about a selfless love. This idea is furthered in 1 John when we're reminded to love one another, but also that we shouldn't be surprised if the world hates us. 

Now "hate" is a strong word that I can't bring myself to use very often. I don't think I've ever hated someone that doesn't want to be friends. It's hurt. I've grieved over lost friendships, but the general idea is that not everyone is going to want to be friends with you. Whether you're a Christian or not, we've all experienced that in some way.

I could expound on what I think of friendships and relationships for days. I can rationalize away my behavior or other people's, but the final end-all statement about any kind of relationships is exactly what it says in 1 John 3:16. Christ laid down his life for us, and we should do the same for others. 

That sums it up. We're commanded, no matter how the other person reacts, to lay down our lives for our fellow man. Love sacrificially. 

Something that God's taught me is that sometimes the sacrificial part is any kind of returned friendship. 

God, this entire concept is almost impossible for me to grasp. Show me how to be selfless. Help me give something without any expectation of anything in return. Continue to prompt me to lay down my life for others. Most of all God, remind me that only you can fill that void in my heart that longs for friendship. 

A Missional Calling

I've blogged before about my March trip to Guatemala. I haven't, however, told you much about my best friend who has committed to work there for five years.

Colleen and I met when she returned from her sixth month internship at the New Life Children's Home (NLCH)  in Villa Nueva, Guatemala. Before we met, everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) told me we'd end up being best friends. Honestly, I could never have expected a deep friendship to develop so quickly. From our first lunch together over egg salad sandwiches to seeing her off at the airport for her new journey, we shared so many things together. It's only what I can describe as a sisterhood. She showed me what it looked like to fearlessly follow God to the darkest places in the world.

I feel privileged to know Colleen. I laugh endlessly with her and she helps my type-A personality learn to be more spontaneous. Mostly, I feel privileged to know her because I  know she's about to change the world. That's right, I said the world.
You can read my previous post on Guatemala for full details, but I will simply say that I have never experienced a place where the people were so despaired. I'm not talking about the Guatemala City, a thriving hub of business and progress. I'm talking about the poverty stricken suburbs. Places where murders happen everyday and become just a part of life. A place where people drink to numb their sorrows and seek out drugs to forget the pain. The most heart breaking result of all this? The children.

I've talked to many people about their views of world missions. They say, "Plant churches, go where no one has gone before." Planting churches in unreached areas of the world certainly has it's place, but I never want people to forget the need in places like Guatemala. These children are given a second chance in life. Further, they are the future of Guatemala. THEY ARE THE CHURCH!

Colleen understands that. I've watched her give up everything (again I do mean EVERYTHING) to follow God's calling to Guatemala. The children at NLCH are already

her own. She talks about them conversationally, like everyone around her should know her babies already. She thinks of them constantly and spends the little money she has on small gifts to take them.

It seems like with need like that and Colleen's heart for the people, this should be a simple journey. It would have been if those were the only factors. You see, God's timing is not dependent on anything. God didn't sit down and plan sending Colleen around the economical profitability of the United States. It honestly kind of sucks. The need is NOW. We've had plenty of people sit around and talk about solving world problems (in fact we devote entire organizations to just that). However, we have hardly anybody that's willing to GO DO SOMETHING!! What sucks is that when we have someone ready to go, it's a recession. I don't know anybody who is thriving right now. We know it's tough! (chalk that up to another thing people talk about a lot).

So here we are. We have a need. We have someone willing to go. Now all she needs is support. Colleen is currently in Texas waiting to start training for her new assignment. She may be waiting for awhile if she can't get the support she needs.

I don't believe that God is confined by the economy. I believe that Colleen can be fully funded TODAY! Are you ready? There's talk about investments going up and down all the time. Let's face it, it's not really working out for many people! LET'S CHANGE THAT! Let's invest in something that will actually make a difference in the lives of PEOPLE!!

Check out Colleen's blog for her full story and to follow her journey. Then, please give (Click on Colleen's name to give for her ministry) There is no gift too small. I'm investing in someone who will actually GO OUT AND CHANGE THE WORLD!