Tuesday, May 8, 2012


I can't come up with a title for this post, because I'm not sure I've ever been here before.

My walk with Christ has taken many turns and has had its ups and downs. I feel like I am coming out of one of the deepest pits I've ever experienced.

This pit is comprised of swirling emotions, insecurities, questions of my calling, tests of friendships, and all together a mix of unpleasantness. I didn't see it coming. It's unbelievable how one day can change everything. I can't understand how people's words can cause me to question the way I speak, look, or even interact with people. This pit seems pretty deep.

Over the past few days, I've known deep down that there would be an ending to this pit, but my prayers consisted of nothing more than pleas to God to take this from me. Not unlike Paul, this thorn in my side was excruciating, but I couldn't seem to shake it. I sought God, pouring myself into the word, running away from "real life" to find solace with him, but still the doubt and insecurity plagued me. Endless tears gave way to a numb emotionless state. My prayers changed from asking God to take this from me to just begging him to not let my heart become hardened.

I just wanted to run. To run away from everything and not stop until I forgot. I need God to remind me of what the truth he'd spoken to me before. I reread some of the same scriptures from when I was in middle school and couldn't figure out how he could possibly want me in full time ministry.

 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
-John 16:33

At first these words had a quiet comfort to them. A small swell of peace. However, as I felt like I was battling harder to get out of this pit, these words took on new meaning when our worship leader belted them out in the middle of one of my favorite songs. No longer was God telling me to take heart, he was saying TAKE HEART! I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD!

These words didn't just have comfort, they had power. While I still feel like I'm just starting to climb out of this pit, whispering these words to myself during the day and thanking God that he sent his son to overcome the world, has been what I've relied on. I want to live from this truth.

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