Awhile back I was reading a blog post, where the author said that 99% she was fine with who she was, but then about 1% of the time she struggled.
For me, this week has been that 1%. It was an often embarrassing display of selfishness, pride, and blubbering tears that resulted in me apologizing to a lot of people who had to witness the spectacle.
For most of the week, I couldn't exactly pinpoint the source of all the internal conflict. After what seemed like endless pleas with God, he finally answered me with some conviction.
99% of the time I'm fine with being single. It's not a big deal. I don't need pity. I don't need a date. I don't need you to tell me "there's someone out there for you." I'm good.
Then something happens, or somebody says something, and I'm launched into that 1% feeling.
This time it started with a feeling of being the "only" single one left. Yep, nobody said fears were rational. I looked around me and everybody had somebody. Then I started in on the spiral of trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Then I realized the root of all this was fear.
Again, I know fear is often not rational. I had a deep fear of being alone. Not alone as in sitting by myself at lunch. A fear of being alone without any friends or family. Of course that 1% feeling would creep up in tandem with this.
I read something a few weeks ago that really only clicked with me tonight.
"Is it possible that what singles often see and desire in marriage: the opportunity to be a loving and supportive counterpart, lead spirtually, build family through intimate fellowship, and "raise" children, can be found within the church, outside the marriage relationship?"
Bring on the conviction. Just like Peter walking on the water, I took my eyes off Jesus and got wrapped up in my circumstance. It's easy for me to feel shame. Shame for things I said or the way I made people feel this week, while working through my muddy mess. It's easy for me to want to find a rock to crawl under!
Thank God that I don't have to live like that! Thank God for his grace and mercy for my messed up life! Thank God he forgives me for my fear and lack of trust! Thank God that he provided me with an answer to my fear.
I love to encourage people. I love to help people. I've always thought about how amazing it would be to be able to be a help and encouragement to a husband (or a particular Needtobreathe band member who shall remain nameless).
What if God provided me that opportunity for that already? We talk a lot about bearing each others burdens as the Church. What if I can direct to encourage to His bride-the Church!
I love the book of Joshua. A lot of the reason is probably because of how many times God tells Joshua to be strong and courageous. Joshua 1:9 is my favorite: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
What do I have to fear? I don't have to fear being alone! God's provided an entire family for me to be a part of!
I am so thankful for this revelation and most of all the peace that comes along with it. Of course, that 1% feeling comes and goes, but God's given me the promise to be with me and that's what I'll cling to!